Tamaki's Notebook
by koiyatsu
Summary: I'm not the boy you think I am. Behind the mask of the king, there's a lonely soul. Will anyone ever see me for the real Tamaki?
1. Chapter 1

No one ever thinks it, but I spend a lot of time alone.

Who has time for their King, after all? The twins never make time for anyone but themselves. Honey and Takeshi are inseperable. Hikaru is off in her own world.

And Kyoya... well, he wouldn't want to spend time with me even if I asked. Hn. The only time he'll ever give me is when I practically _beg_ him for it! What am I, some kind of lapdog?

Outside of the Host Club, I don't have anyone. In front of women, I can't be anything but _The King_, grand and graceful. If I let a crack escape from my smile, my life is ruined. With other boys it's no better. They either look up to me like a god, or laugh at me.

It's the laughter that stings more than anything. The whispers and the fingers pointing at me. The envious glares. The dark looks that wish me far from anything good.

So I sit here so many times as I sit here now, in my room - the top floor, naturally - at the ledge by my window.

Looking out into the sinking autumn sun, I see so many happy people wandering through the courtyards. Laughing and smiling, holding hands, playing games. I smile when I see them... I can't help but smile when I see people who are happy. But... I don't know why, but something in me aches a little whenever I watch them for too long.


	2. Chapter 2

Lately Kyoya has been giving me strange looks. He's taking over more and more of our meetings. He'll still call me by my title, but it feels like _he's_ in charge of everything. I mean, sure, he's the brains behind our operation, but can't he give me a little more notice?

He's been casting these glances at me. Like yesterday, right when I was about to talk, he gave me this look that made me shut up.

I haven't felt like myself lately. The piano room sits quietly. During the afternoons, I walk by the door, glancing in. I used to sit inside and play for hours - Bach, Chopin, Debussy - the most beautiful notes flourishing from my fingers, like ripples in a pond from a gentle rain. Yet yesterday I lowered my finger on a key and recoiled when I heard the sound. When Kyoya looks at me the way he does, it takes away my will to do anything else.

So I just got up and left, and wandered aimlessly through the school grounds until finding a tree. There I sat, back against the hard trunk, feeling the chilly autumn air seep through my clothes.

Perhaps I should come by this spot more often. Free from the rest of the students, I can lay my head back, watching leaves slowly fade. They're turning such beautiful colors, and I could stare at them for hours.

It felt like that's what I was doing. Looking into the leaves, losing my thoughts, staring into a slowly darkening afternoon sky. Clouds pass by, rolling along with the voices of distant students. They don't bother me here, though. Inside the host club I may be the king, but on these grounds I'm just another boy, face wrapped in shadow.


	3. Chapter 3

Kyoya... I'm almost afraid to look at him now.

He's the only one who pays me any mind. I've always loved the attention from him - you know he was the first friend I've ever made - but lately the attention feels different. It feels like he's scanning me coldly, looking for flaws, scanning for imperfections.

He's running everything in the club these days. He's chairing all of our meetings and makes all the decisions. When I so much as raise my head to say something, he glares at me like he has so often lately, and with a cold shudder I back down.

Maybe something is wrong with me? I used to always be the leading host, but lately my ranking is starting to drop. A lot of days I'm not getting anyone coming to see me. When a girl does still come by, it's because she's not a regular. The looks and sidelong glances don't keep her long.

It's my club, though, so I have to be there. What choice do I have? There's not much for me to do, though, if none of our customers want to see me. Lately I've just been sitting in the corner, keeping an eye on everyone else in the room. If anyone catches my eye, though, I get a sharp look back. Maybe I should figure out a way to disappear entirely. Would anyone notice if I did?


	4. Chapter 4

Today things got weird.

It was our normal start to the club. Everyone was gathered: Honey-sempai and Mori, Hikaru, the Hitachiin twins, me, and... Kyoya, of course.

He called the meeting to order. "Barring no objections from our king," he turned to me, casting that _shut-the-fuck-up_ glare, "I've prepared a proposal for your consideration."

"It seems our king," he said, again casting that glare to me, only quicker this time, "is failing to live up to his title. As you can see here," he pointed to a chart - when did he have time to set that up? - "Tamaki's performance has declined steadily over the last six weeks, ever since the fall term began."

I looked over at the cheart, my heart sinking even faster than the numbers.

"For whatever reason," he carried on as smoothly as always, "it seems that Tamaki is just not the spectacle we had hoped him to be."

The twins looked unstartled. "We always figured he was a passing fad," they said. "He is a bit of a one-trick pony, don't you think?"

Hikaru giggled at this. "Why else do you think I asked the twins to be in classes with them?"

Honey-sempai merely chimed in, "if it weren't for all the cake you bring me, I'm not sure why you'd be here at all!" Mori, naturally, nodded his agreement.

They sat around me, looking at me like I was their puppet - nothing more than a doll to bend at their will. A long moment lingered as I swallowed the looks within each of their cold eyes, from Haruhi's indifference to Kyoya's scorn. Maybe he sensed me looking at him, catching his glance all too strongly. In either case, he continued.

"Curiously, Tamaki's merchandise is selling as strongly as ever before. It seems that our guests still enjoy our king's good looks - they just find his _charms _a bit lacking." His arched eyebrow hinted, _what charms?_

"Which is why I propose a brand new throne, where Tamaki will sit during hosting hours - unless he has customers, of course - but we all know the odds of that happening these days." Everyone laughed. It felt like Kyoya's scornful glare was contagious, because now I saw flashes of it in everyone else's eyes.

He flipped the page of his chart. It showed a golden throne with red plush seating, along with - hn? what are those?

"You'll notice," Kyoya continued, "that this is no ordinary throne. I've had it designed to ensure our king's comfort, since he will be sitting in it for long periods of time. The finest new fabrics and cushioned have been appropriated towards the final construction."

Everyone nodded slightly. It looks like they expected him to mention those _other_ things.

"You probably expected me to mention these _other_ things," he said. "As you can imagine, our king is prone to rather foolish impulses. For his own good, I've had manacles installed to restrain his feet and wrists. Not only will this ensure that he remains in his place, but the lively addition of a bondage motif will increase our upcoming photobook circulation by an anticipated 33 percent."

By this point, everyone's eyes lit up. Was it because of the throne or because of the profits? Either way, hands started rising in favor. One by one, each went up, until the vote came to me.

"Well, Tamaki," said Kyoya, glaring down at me. "This is your one chance to prove yourself useful. You do wish to be useful to your club, don't you?"

I mumbled out a quiet, "y-yes," the first words I spoke all meeting - all day, really.

"Raise your hand yes, then. All we now need is your vote to proceed."

Downcast eyes blinking twice, I held it up.

"Well," Kyoya said, a grin spreading on his lips, "it seems like we are unanimous. How generous of our king to put the interests of his club above himself."

The meeting went on for a while. Kyoya ran it all, of course. He's so smart - I don't understand how he manages to keep so many ideas together in his head. If it were me - well, you can tell by the vote that I would never be given that kind of power.

But I am good at being king.

Kyoya just made sure of it.


End file.
